Dear Alcohol

Dear Alcohol,

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the pub, and you're even around in the holiday's hidden inside chocolates warming us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you may have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences.

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2AM. Why would you make me a call those ex-girlfriends when I know for a fact that they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2.. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a kebab with chilli sauce, along with stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few Doritos & chilli dip)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 4PM hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

Your Biggest Fan

Two New Tricks Added 9/15/05

Click here to see the bar scams we've added to the main site today.

BOSTON'S BEST BARS

I don't know what it says about me but I've been to every single bar listed here and I used to live upstairs from one of them. I can still remember the ever present smell of bar food in my apartment and barf in the hall. Boy do I miss it.

Click here to check out the Weekly Dig's list of Boston's bars.

Booze News 9/14/05

Here's some booze related news for the week.

• Jury finds entrapment of store clerk in alcohol case
• Sinkhole shakes up Milton restaurant's happy hour
• Drunk, stoned mice shed light on addiction
• Budweiser Plant Puts Beer On Hold To Help Hurricane Victims
• Move over, beer: Wine is No. 1 choice (Wine is O.K. but this webmaster prefers beer)
• Editorial: Cops out of line in beer bust
• Katrina: Booze 'saved' tourist
• Drunks offered hangover hotels

Stupid Drunk Files 9/13/05

From Ananova.com

Train didn't wake drunk Russian
A Russian who fell asleep between train tracks had drunk so much vodka he failed to wake up when a 140-tonne cargo train passed over him.

Vladimir Rasimov, 23, passed out and fell between the tracks as he took a short cut home after boozing with pals in a pub in Dmitrievka in the south-east of the country.

Train driver Vladimir Slabiy said: "I saw a man lying between the tracks and tried to stop, but it was too late. The train went right over him and I thought he must have been killed. "But when I got out and checked he was still lying there fast asleep. "If he had woken up from the noise of the train he would have lifted his head and been hit by the undercarriage and that would have been the end of him. It was lucky he was so drunk."

From TheWGALChannel.com

Police: Masked Person Uses Sledgehammer To Steal Beer
GREENSBURG, Pa. -- Some people are known to pound a few beers over the weekend. But state police in Greensburg said one person did the pounding to steal some beer. Police today are still looking for the masked person who used a sledgehammer to break into the Beer Arena store on Donahoe Road shortly before 1:30 Saturday morning. The person then went inside and stole a single case of beer.

From Local6.com

Neighbors Beat Man After Wild ATV Ride With Child

A group of neighbors in a Seminole County, Fla., neighborhood captured and then beat a man who allegedly took a 5-year-old on a drunken ATV ride, according to police. The Seminole County Sheriff's Office said a man crashed his ATV near state Road 46 and Upsala Road in Sanford, Fla., Sunday night. Witnesses said the man was allegedly driving the vehicle drunk with the child on board. After the crash, several neighbors held the man and then beat him until police arrived. The man was transported to the Seminole County Jail. It is not known if any of the neighbors involved in the beating will be charged. The child was not injured in the crash.

Another Trick Added Today 9/12/05

Click here to see what trick we added today.

BEER SKIRT FOR MEN?

From Ananova.com:

Designers invent skirt for beer drinkers
German designers are promoting a skirt for male drinkers to wear at the Munich Beer Festival. They say their Oktoberfest Frock is a lot more comfortable than traditional lederhosen. Doreen Anders and Andreas Landinger, from Munich, say they were influenced by the Scottish kilt in creating the drinking-dress which comes in 'short' or 'calf' length. There are no tartan designs but the kilt comes in colours in-keeping with the blue-and-white Bavarian flag and other symbols of the Oktoberfest beer festival. A spokesman for the designers say the skirt "combines softness with comfort" and does not inhibit the wearer like lederhosen, which can "be a bit tight around the calves and stomach". Landinger, who started designing skirts for men a year ago, said: "I think they're going to go down well. "We've already had a few dozen orders and once one everyone realises how comfortable they are, I think they'll really catch on. "With all that beer flowing at the fest you need to make sure your belly is free to take it in."

Another Trick Added Today

We've added another new trick to the site today. This time learn how to scam a bunch of people out of money. Click here to learn more.